Tag Archive | motherhood

It’s a Flute Party!

Have you ever been to a flute party? No? What, you don’t know what a flute party IS?

Don’t feel bad; I had no idea before yesterday either! But now I know, and it was pretty fun. We decided that we wanted to upgrade the girl’s flute for her graduation present, since we felt like she had outgrown her current flute. She’s going into music education in college, with the possibility of music performance as well, and we want to send her off as well-prepared as possible. And given all the things happening this year that might impact her college admissions and scholarship opportunities (State Band, honor bands, music school auditions) we chose to do it now, rather than at the end of the year.

Now, with other things, it might be simple. You go to a store, pick one out, and buy it. But instruments are different, because each musician is different. The musician has to find the instrument that’s right for her. So her flute teacher arranged for us to attend a flute party hosted by a woodwind dealer/repair specialist. There would be a variety of brands to play, plus we’d have other expert ears to help us decide. We also borrowed a flute from a local music store (so generous of Palen Music. We love them.) and ordered one on trial from Flutistry of Boston.

We showed up to the hotel and found our way to the room, which was just a hotel suite with two bedrooms. There were two sales reps there, one from Altus and one from Miyazawa, and there were two tables full of beautiful shiny flutes. There were lower end flutes all the way up to an $11,000 gold flute!

We quickly found ourselves in one of the rooms with several flutes, and it didn’t take long to narrow it down to four. But that’s when the work began. There were six of us listening, and while of course the girl’s opinion was the most important, her flute teacher was also very vocal. The sales reps were great, really only offering opinions when we directly asked them. And they each declined to comment on their own flute, which I thought was very classy.

And she played the flute. Over and over. Rotating between all four brands, trying to hear differences and preferences. I can’t imagine how it must have felt, to be presented with four beautiful, high-end instruments that all play well, and say, “Here, pick one!” But that was the goal, so we kept playing. Finally we did brackets, and compared two at a time, picking one from each bracket. Then when it was the top two, which happened to be the ones from the reps, they left the room and we brought in the party host to be an objective ear. Finally, after two pieces played on each flute, we had a unanimous winner, and my daughter finally relaxed enough to be excited about her choice. I think she’s going to do amazing things with this flute, and I feel really grateful that we’re able to do something like this for her.

Oh, my girl

Nov5

I am so in awe of my daughter. She is so strong, stronger than I ever was at her age. She has this passion for music, this talent for flute, and it has become an intricate part of her life. I can’t think of flute without thinking of her, and I often can’t think of her without thinking of flute. They are intertwined. She has worked hard over the last seven years and grown into a gifted musician, and she’s seen a lot of rewards from that work. She’s earned spots in district bands, state band, honor bands. She’s earned top ratings at competitions and played solos without a hitch.

But with every bright spot, there is a bit of darkness hiding. There is so much competition in this world. She hasn’t succeeded at everything she’s tried; she hasn’t gotten every first chair or solo she’s wanted. And to try so hard, to practice and work so diligently, and not get the results you want, must be incredibly disheartening at times. I can’t say for sure, never having been in anything so competitive. But I imagine, and my heart aches when it happens.

It happened yesterday. We went to District Band auditions. After an early bout of nerves a couple of weeks ago, she was feeling confident. She was practicing, working new tricks from her flute teacher, and getting good results. She felt good at the first audition, felt good after the callback audition, and we settled in to wait without too much anxiety. But the callbacks ended, and the wait stretched to 45 minutes, an hour, 90 minutes, and the stress built. What could be taking so long? 27 flutes for 13 spots (including the two honorable mention spots), surely it couldn’t be that hard to sort it out?

Each musician is scored during their audition, and the scores are tallied at the end. The drama comes if there are ties, and the judges have to come to an agreement on who gets which chair. Many flute players also play piccolo, and if they earn a chair on both instruments, they’re given the choice. If they turn down piccolo, the judges move to the next piccolo, and so on, until the piccolo spot is filled. So if you’re sitting waiting, and you see other flute/piccolo players getting called back to talk to their director, you know the results are coming soon. We did our best to stay patient and positive.

It took almost two hours after callbacks ended for her to get her result: second chair in the district band. That’s an awesome result. It really is, to get second chair out of all the flutists in the area who auditioned. And given how long it took to get results, it must have been an extremely tight competition, coming down to the smallest of details.

But. Last year, she had first chair. And when you’ve had that, and you think you’ve earned that again, second chair is bittersweet. I understand it, even as I know how wonderful second chair is. Like I said, it’s a competitive world. She’s been competing against the same musicians for the last couple of years, so it feels a little personal. You don’t just miss out on the spot, you see your competition in that spot. I can imagine how sharp and sour that must feel in your chest.

Plus her experience as first chair last year wasn’t all she wanted it to be. First chair typically comes with a certain spot in the band; the first chair flute is next to the edge, right beside the piccolo. And the first chair flute is given any flute solos in the band’s music. But last year, the district band director decided to switch things up, and he flipped the seating so that she was in the middle of the band, and had the entire flute section play all the solos. So while she knew she was first chair, she didn’t get to experience the perks that usually come with it.

So this year she was, is, disappointed. Sad, frustrated. She knew she’d done the work. She knew she’d improved. So why didn’t her spot show it? It’s hard to remember that even as you’re growing and improving, you’re not doing it in a bubble. The others are doing the same thing. You have to remember that there is some subjectivity to each audition, and something like first and second chair can come down to very small differences. It reminds me of Michelle Kwan when she won silver at the Olympics when everyone expected her to win gold. They’d ask her, “How does it feel to know you lost the gold?” And her answer was, “I didn’t lose gold. I won silver.”

That’s what my girl did yesterday. She earned that second chair. And she’s learning that you have to take each setback and use it as an opportunity for growth, without getting distracted by what everyone else is doing. She still gets to audition for All-State Band, and I think it’s likely that this will motivate her to work even harder to perform as well as she can.

And that’s why I’m in awe of her. Every time this happens, she finds the strength to rally. She sits back and feels the disappointment, and then she stands up, puts it behind her, and goes on to the next great thing.

I am immensely proud of her results yesterday, as I am every time she auditions. I can’t wait to see how it goes at State. But the greatest thing for me yesterday was watching her interact with the middle school musicians. She works with the 7th and 8th grade bands at the middle school, and she’s built lovely relationships with these kids who admire her and look up to her, and she found so much joy in encouraging them. She called them her “babies” and kept notes of who got what results, and she hugged them and cheered them on, and it was so sweet. She is going to be a wonderful teacher. I love that not only will she create beautiful music herself, but she will also help create future musicians. To have such a gift and be able to share it with others, that must be the most wonderful feeling of all. And how lucky I am that I get a front row seat.

P.S. There was a LOT of knitting happening yesterday, what with over eight hours in one building. That post will be coming soon!

Gloves and Flowers

Oct22

As expected, I finished the blue and gray fingerless gloves yesterday during our drive to the band competition. With an hour and a half, I even had time to weave in all the ends, so they’re ready to go to their new owner today. The base pattern is the 75 Yard Malabrigo Mitts, but I added the design element of the Twinkly Lights Cowl.

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It was a good thing I finished them before I got there, too, because once we got there, I didn’t really want to be distracted. The girl is a senior, you see, and this was her last marching band competition. She was a featured soloist in their show, a siren standing atop a pirate ship, and I’m always amazed and proud of her, but last night the finality hit me a little hard. Of course I’m so excited for the next part of her journey, but I can’t help but be sad that this part is almost over. I wasn’t a band geek in high school; I was a theatre geek. They’re actually pretty similar crowds, and I love the collaboration and camaraderie and commitment that I’ve seen in her bands. They’re good kids. She’s a good kid. Plus, I’ve discovered I love band music. I love watching marching band shows. Thank goodness I still have three years to watch the boy in marching band! Anyway, it was a lovely, emotional night, and the band did well, winning lots of awards, including Grand Champions in the field show category.

With the gloves done, I wanted to finish up another small project before returning to my bigger WIPs. The knitting group at work makes bouquets of flowers for friends who have lost loved ones, and we had a couple to make recently. They’re a beautiful variety of flowers: some people make felt flowers, some ribbon flowers. I chose my favorite crochet flower pattern, added a green pipe cleaner, wrapped the stems with floral tape, and finished each one off with a pretty button. I think they’ll make a nice addition to the bouquet.

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Now that I’ve finished two projects for others, I think I’m justified in going back to some selfish knitting today. I was clever and did the grocery shopping yesterday, so today I can relax with my tea and yarn. Happy Sunday, friends!

Work, and Knitting

Jun10

This morning I went to the bank, like I actually went inside and was at the teller, and she had the manager with her. They had a new machine, he said, so they were doing some training. No problem. It took several minutes longer than usual, and toward the end he apologized. Their trainer was out that day, and they were still getting used to it. That’s fine, I said. I’d been a software trainer before so I know how it goes.

And as I was walking out, it hit me. Yes, I’ve been a software trainer before. I did so many things under the umbrella of “retail manager” that I’d never referred to myself like that before. And…I really liked it. I liked the sound of it. It reminded me of all the time I spent as a trainer, and how much I loved it. It was probably one of my favorite parts of the job, both teaching people how to use the registers and the software, and learning new software so I could be the trainer. I might not end up in a training role in my next job, at least not right away, but this definitely reassures me that I’m on the right track by going back to work.

But at the moment I’m still a happy knitter, and today I met up with another crafter I’d found on Instagram. She makes project bags and I’m addicted to project bags, so it’s a good fit. Plus we’re both big fans of the KC Royals. See, isn’t it fantastic?

It’s so well-made, it even has a wrist strap, and I love that she chose a baseball fabric for the inside, when she could have chosen a cheaper, plain fabric.

I just love it. And I love that maybe I found a new local knitting friend! To thank her for meeting me nearby, I made a small set of three blue stitch markers.

And then I made a couple for myself. I had the beads out, you know?

Right now my knitting is fast and easy. I’m using up my cotton on simple dishcloths, some for me, and some for a craft show I’m doing tomorrow. It’s perfect knitting for when my brain is focused elsewhere, which it is right now.

I can still focus enough on knitting to grab good yarn deals when I see them, though. I found a bag of sock yarns at a thrift store today, and I loved four of the skeins, but these six aren’t really my style, so I’ll probably find them a new home. If you’re a sock knitter and you’re interested, holler at me and I’ll give you a good deal.

I think that needs to be all for today. I have more new yarns to share, but let’s do it another day, okay? I have a craft show to prep for and a cover letter to refine and a resume to submit.

Enjoy your Friday, friends!

Back to work?

Jun9

It has been four years since I left my last full-time position, and, maybe surprisingly, I’m ready to go back. I have been home when I was needed most, I’ve gotten my kids past the most critical stage and now that my daughter is old enough to start driving herself around, I can reach for more. I wouldn’t change anything about the last four years. It was absolutely what I needed to do.

But this is what I need to do now. I miss contributing something vital to the world, something on a bigger scope. I miss being part of a team that’s working together to make the world a better place, one step at a time. I love my creative endeavors, but they’re small, low-impact, solitary. I miss collaboration. I miss using my brain to learn new things and then helping others learn those things. I loved being a trainer, loved helping my peers and staff grow. I loved making a difference in clients’ lives. I’ve got these writing skills, and I feel like I could be using them in so many more ways. I could make an impact in the community…and that’s thrilling.

In no way do I mean this as a criticism of stay-at-home parents. I’ve done it in two long stretches now, and appreciated it both times. Parenting is a huge responsibility, and I admire and respect those to do it full-time. I *know* it’s a job, and a hard one. But it’s also a personal choice, and what works for one family may not be the best choice for another. It was the right choice at that point in time.

But now, my kids have grown up a lot. For that matter, I’ve grown up a lot after all the things I’ve faced the last four or five years. I have more to give, and I want to make a bigger difference. I will still knit, though I might focus more on what sparks my creativity and less on custom orders. I will still write and work on getting my book published. I will still proofread for other writers, though it might take me a little bit longer. But I want to do more. I want to challenge myself. I feel like this is my second wind, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

Life After Depression

May19

Four years. Is that a long time? Or not? My instinct is to say it’s not. As I approach my 40th birthday, four years is a blip. But today, Facebook reminded me that it was four years ago that my life changed completely, and it feels like eons ago.

Four years ago last month, my dad died. Yep, it was hard. It pushed me into a dark place, a place I was on the verge of anyway. Suddenly I was no longer emotionally able to maintain my current life; I realized I wanted more. More than working 50 hours a week as a retail store manager. More than saying goodbye to my kids one morning and not seeing them again until the next night. More than asking my MIL to take care of my kids and take them to activities and pick them up when I couldn’t. More than seeing my mom twice a year when one of us could visit the other.

Thankfully, I’m married to the best man in the world. He agreed we could scale back the budget to allow me to quit my job and stay home with the kids while I figured out my next step. I didn’t know what it would be; I still don’t know if I’m “there” yet or what. But wow, what a difference those four years made in my life.

I see my kids every morning and I greet them when they get home from school. I’m able to drive my daughter to flute lesson and band camp and auditions and study sessions and all these other things that would have been impossible before. I’m able to get a few minutes of conversation with my almost-teenage son before he disappears into his room to play video games. We eat dinner together as a family every single night. Instead of a pet-free house, we have two dogs who bring me great comfort and joy.

And during the day, I create. In those four years, I finished and revised a book. A whole book, that I’m now sending to agents in hopes of getting it published. I’ve proofread books for clients, several books, and I love that process. I learned to crochet, and then knit, and I sell my little beauties to people who love them. Through the yarn, I’ve found a wonderful friendship with my Knitting SIL. Through this blog, I’ve found a wonderful community of writers and knitters and all-around fabulous people. As one of my readers commented, I have a very rich, creative life, and somedays I’m overwhelmed with how lucky I am.

Now I can’t imagine being where I was four years ago. Remembering the job itself makes me cringe. I do miss the people, my lovely Creeker family, but thankfully I still have many of them in my life.

I still miss my dad. Of COURSE I do. I desperately wish he were still here. But this seems to be the way it goes: you have to go through something terrible to get that push to do what you’re really meant to do. Life is short and all that jazz. I can tell you the words, but until something makes it true for you, it won’t work the same. At least that’s my theory. Losing my dad set in motion a chain of events, including getting my mom and siblings in the same town for the first time in decades, and having them all around me has been one of the best blessings ever. It brought us together; it helped me get through the hard times.

I’m happy now. My life is peaceful and joyful and colorful. Those four years were rough and bumpy and jagged and sharp, and now I feel like I’ve reached a smooth part, where the lows aren’t so low and I can get past them more quickly. Thank goodness for my husband, my kids, my mom and siblings, my puppies, the friends who were truly there for me when I was struggling. Thank goodness for kind, gentle doctors. Thank goodness for antidepressants and thyroid meds and melatonin. After three years of taking them, I’m almost completely off the happy pills and doing well, but I know they’re there if I ever need them again.

I am one of the lucky ones. I know many people, too many good people, who have struggled, will continue to struggle, with depression forever. So many times, depression is ongoing and constant, not the (relatively) short experience I had. So many times, the meds don’t work, or you can’t afford the meds, or you’re ashamed to ask for the meds. So many times, you don’t take the time to see a therapist because you think you can do it alone.

But sometimes you can’t, and THAT’S OKAY. Trying meds, even lots of different meds, is OKAY. Seeing a therapist is OKAY, probably one of the best things I did, and I highly recommend it to everyone, not just people suffering from depression. Don’t just say you’re “fine” if you’re not. Find one person you trust, and tell the truth. Let them help you.

Here’s what I’ve learned over four years:

Smoking DOES cause cancer, and cancer CAN kill you, and it SUCKS for everyone involved.
There can be beauty and great meaning in death.
Time does help heal. Wounds don’t go away, but you can find joy again.
A family of four can live on one salary. It’s hard sometimes, and I worry about money a lot, but this is still the best choice for me, for us.
Most people are truly kind.
It’s worth it to keep fighting. Life may be short, but it’s beautiful. Find the beauty.

I Can’t Adult Today

May5

May, you’re killing me already. My brain feels so full. I feel like I’m trying to do 50 million things every day and forgetting 49 million of them. Sometimes people think that because I don’t have an official job, I’m a “lady of leisure”, and while it’s true that I do get great downtime some days, I definitely make up for it on others. My schedule is flexible, but that doesn’t mean my days are empty. I’m lucky, so lucky, to be able to be a mom full-time, but it can still be hard and crazy. And when it’s being a mom to a super-active teenager who doesn’t drive yet, managing and supporting her schedule feels like a job by itself sometimes. It’s one I like, one I chose, and remembering that does help.

I just feel scattered right now, unfocused. I’m trying to get the yarn orders done, I just started a proofreading project, and I’m trying to coordinate all the spring/end of school year stuff that needs to happen. There are birthday presents to buy and forms to fill out and concerts to attend (on a school night, natch, and some of them I want to bring my mom to, which adds another layer of planning) and Mother’s Day is coming up and some days I just want to abdicate my role as social coordinator. Really, that’s all I want for Mother’s Day: someone else to prep the house for company, someone else to buy the food and cook the food and do the dishes without me having to nag. Isn’t that funny, the best gift for Mother’s Day is a day off from being the mom?

Deep breath. I’m on week three of some big changes, and it’s possible they’re affecting me too. I’m halfway through my weaning period for my antidepressant, and I really think it’s going fine. I mean, yeah, I’m stressed out today, but I get stressed out every May when this craziness hits. But I’m not sluggish, overly cranky, weepy, or sleeping poorly, and all of those things are my problem signs.

I think it helps that I’ve committed to becoming healthier, and part of that is regular exercise. I’ve known all along that exercise helps; it’s just been a matter of motivation. Well, I’m tired of being the weight that I am, of feeling the way I have, so yeah, I’m exercising. And even though I admit I feel better when I do it, I still don’t like it. I’m never going to be an exercise junkie, or someone who preaches the joys of exercise. I do it because it’s better for my body and my mind. So, whatever. The stationary bike has become my friend, and I turn up the music and zone out on games on my phone. It works. And I’m making better choices in what I eat, cutting calories, but I’m not calling it a diet. It’s just making healthier choices, and that’s something I need to commit to for the rest of my life.

Ugh. It sucks getting older. Yeah, it beats the alternative, but I do miss the days of not having to worry about calories or exercise or being in charge of multiple people.

But it’s fine. We’re fine. Right? Right. I was going to take today as a rest day, but I think I need the head-clearing action of a little workout, and then I’ll tackle my to-do list, and maybe I’ll feel better when the list is a bit shorter.

Here’s hoping your head space is clearer than mine today!

The Birthday Girl

Mar8

Selfish knitting was interrupted by commissioned knitting yesterday, as I got an order for two baby Yoda hats. Fortunately they’re finished and ready to mail, but I don’t anticipate much knitting time today: it’s the girl’s birthday! And she’s 16!! In the blink of an eye, we went from this: to this: It’s gotten more fun with every year. She’s a pretty cool kid. Sad to think that in just a couple of years she’ll go off to college. But I won’t think about that today. Today we’ll just celebrate, and I’ll be back with more knitting stuff tomorrow!

Yesterday Was (not so) Awesome

Oct7

It started off pretty well with morning tea and knitting, but after lunch I went shopping for a few new clothes. Unfortunately, I needed a bigger size and only had one pair of jeans and maybe half a dozen long-sleeve shirts that fit well. The up side was that I found a few good things, but I wasn’t thrilled about the size I had to get. So I wasn’t feeling too great about myself after that, but I was trying.

Then last night I got in trouble. I got in trouble for letting my son order a shirt in a size that ended up too big, then for getting upset when he snapped at me about it. I got in trouble for running down the hill that morning to take him the frosting he needed for a class project (“Someone was THERE, mom”) and then found out that he was letting me walk with him to school not because he liked the time, but because he didn’t know how to say he didn’t want me to. I trust him to get to school safely, but it was one of the few times I got to spend with him alone, and I liked our little chats. Guess I was the only one. Then I got in trouble for not knowing where the rubbing alcohol was (“We have all these beauty products and nothing USEFUL”) and then in trouble for getting upset by being snapped at unexpectedly.

So yeah. Yesterday was SUPER. Maybe it was just a bad day for everybody. Sigh. Today I let him walk alone, I will email the band director about ordering a smaller size, and I’ll find the darn rubbing alcohol. AND I’m going to knit! That was about the only good thing about yesterday. I now have two finished Royal blue hats to take to the craft show, and I think I can get one more done today. It’ll be a beanie in super bulky yarn so it should go quickly. The brim on this one came out a little bigger than I wanted, but it should work well for those with slightly bigger heads, or with lots of hair. And if it doesn’t sell at this craft show, I might see about adding a bit of elastic to snug it up some. And I love how this one turned out! The gray and blue is a little less common for a KC Royals hat, but I love it. And I showed the side with the joining seam because I was pleased with myself. It’s still noticeable if you look for it, but overall it came out really clean and smooth. I just have to decide whether to add a blue pom pom. Personally, I’ll always vote for a pom pom. How about you?

I See a Red Moon Rising

Sep28

Busy busy weekend! Does everyone else have weekends like this, where it’s pretty much GO GO GO from Saturday morning until Sunday night? I’m ready for a boring weekend. Someday. Instead, we started off with a parade, and I do love parades. Especially ones with my daughter’s band playing! They were fantastic, of course. After that she had time for a quick lunch, then she was off for a day-long band competition…where her band got FIRST PLACE in their division! See, I told you they were fantastic! I wasn’t able to go to this one, though I would have liked to, because we’re still trying to make progress on the fence.

We’re at the heavy labor part of the process: digging by hand the post holes with roots/rocks. Then the husband went and bought fence posts, gravel and concrete, but we just didn’t have time to get as much done as I’d hoped. That’s okay, it’s still forward progress. Just no fun photos yet. The fun photos come later. We went to the local Fall Festival that night, a fun craft show/carnival/fair kind of thing, and had a blast. I found treats for the puppies… and treats for me!I was also on the lookout for a new collar for Grace, since the buckle snapped on hers. We use martingale collars because they’re both pretty squirrely and like to wriggle out of regular ones. The first booth I tried had really cute ones, but the martingales had no buckle, and when I asked, the lady treated me like I was an idiot. “They don’t come like that. This is how the martingale works,” she told me, demonstrating how the loop tightens. Well yes, I understand that part, but the dogs go outside on chains and if it’s loose enough to put on and take off, it’s loose enough for her to slip out of, and that’s not okay. This lady clearly thought I had no idea what I was talking about so I moved on, and glad I did, because I found a booth selling Slik Hound collars. We’d bought collars from them before and they really are high-quality. I just wish we’d bought martingales at the time. Fortunately, the kind woman at this booth knew about martingales with buckles and didn’t think I was crazy and helped me order one for Grace. I can’t wait until I get it!

I ended the weekend on a good note: I sat outside last night and watched the eclipse and did some knitting in the dark. With two craft fairs looming, I’ve decided to focus on making more basic slouch hats, since they always sell well and I’ve got great yarn in my stash. That’s what I was making while I sat in my backyard with the puppies frolicking around me. It was lovely to see the moon and sit outside where it was so quiet and peaceful…for the most part. The dogs heard an owl next door and went a little nuts since that was a new sound to them. We made it to about ten, the moon was fully eclipsed and gorgeous, and though part of me wanted to stay up and watch the whole thing, the rest of me was tired. So here’s my Lunar Eclipse hat: It’s a simple broken rib pattern and I did really well for a long time. Then came a row where my k1,p1 pattern was wrong at the end, and I had to tink (in the dark!). I’m pretty sure the error is right here; I’m just not sure how to fix it. So I might tink back another row or two. Even doing that, I should be able to finish this hat today.