I Can’t Adult Today

May, you’re killing me already. My brain feels so full. I feel like I’m trying to do 50 million things every day and forgetting 49 million of them. Sometimes people think that because I don’t have an official job, I’m a “lady of leisure”, and while it’s true that I do get great downtime some days, I definitely make up for it on others. My schedule is flexible, but that doesn’t mean my days are empty. I’m lucky, so lucky, to be able to be a mom full-time, but it can still be hard and crazy. And when it’s being a mom to a super-active teenager who doesn’t drive yet, managing and supporting her schedule feels like a job by itself sometimes. It’s one I like, one I chose, and remembering that does help.

I just feel scattered right now, unfocused. I’m trying to get the yarn orders done, I just started a proofreading project, and I’m trying to coordinate all the spring/end of school year stuff that needs to happen. There are birthday presents to buy and forms to fill out and concerts to attend (on a school night, natch, and some of them I want to bring my mom to, which adds another layer of planning) and Mother’s Day is coming up and some days I just want to abdicate my role as social coordinator. Really, that’s all I want for Mother’s Day: someone else to prep the house for company, someone else to buy the food and cook the food and do the dishes without me having to nag. Isn’t that funny, the best gift for Mother’s Day is a day off from being the mom?

Deep breath. I’m on week three of some big changes, and it’s possible they’re affecting me too. I’m halfway through my weaning period for my antidepressant, and I really think it’s going fine. I mean, yeah, I’m stressed out today, but I get stressed out every May when this craziness hits. But I’m not sluggish, overly cranky, weepy, or sleeping poorly, and all of those things are my problem signs.

I think it helps that I’ve committed to becoming healthier, and part of that is regular exercise. I’ve known all along that exercise helps; it’s just been a matter of motivation. Well, I’m tired of being the weight that I am, of feeling the way I have, so yeah, I’m exercising. And even though I admit I feel better when I do it, I still don’t like it. I’m never going to be an exercise junkie, or someone who preaches the joys of exercise. I do it because it’s better for my body and my mind. So, whatever. The stationary bike has become my friend, and I turn up the music and zone out on games on my phone. It works. And I’m making better choices in what I eat, cutting calories, but I’m not calling it a diet. It’s just making healthier choices, and that’s something I need to commit to for the rest of my life.

Ugh. It sucks getting older. Yeah, it beats the alternative, but I do miss the days of not having to worry about calories or exercise or being in charge of multiple people.

But it’s fine. We’re fine. Right? Right. I was going to take today as a rest day, but I think I need the head-clearing action of a little workout, and then I’ll tackle my to-do list, and maybe I’ll feel better when the list is a bit shorter.

Here’s hoping your head space is clearer than mine today!

14 thoughts on “I Can’t Adult Today

  1. Your life sound so rich and creative. Someone once told me that being self-employed, especially when it is minus a regular income, is really tough because it is you who sets and completes the tasks, and it is you who are answerable to yourself. It would be so easy to cut corners! It sounds as if you give 100% to everything you do. Hope you get time to stop and smell the roses as well! (This is from one home-based person to another).

    • Oh, thank you! I needed that reminder: yes, my life IS rich and creative, and I love it for that. But yes, it is hard sometimes to hold yourself accountable, and I do worry about money even if people don’t talk about that part very much. Thank you again, for taking the time to give me a boost!! 🙂

  2. Sounds like you have a lot going on! 🙂 Remember that forgetting half the things you meant to do (or even more!) is not the end of the world! Nobody is perfect and everyone only has finite brain space (that’s a thing right? lol). We tend to compare ourselves to all these people who seem perfect, but forget that they may only be perfect in one aspect of their life and quite messed up in others – just as we are! So, though I know you probably can’t not do anything, try to remember to take it easy from time to time! Everyone needs a little downtime! Oh, and as for your wish for your mothersday gift: tell your teenager – she might be into it! I would have killed for my mom to tell me what she wants (I still would!!!).

    • Thank you! Everything you said is so on point, and it definitely helps to be reminded of all of it. Thankfully, both my husband and my daughter read my blog most of the time, so I’m guessing I’ll get my Mother’s Day wish (for the most part at least!).

  3. I’m feeling the same, though without kids, I can’t even imagine. I can really relate to the exercise/healthy eating thing though! I quite smoking a year ago, have gained a little, and though I’ve never enjoyed exercise, I’m finding I LOVE it! Can’t imagine starting my day without it. Point is…it gets easier and more fun 😉 Hang in there, lady! You’re doing great!

    • Yay for you!! I’ve definitely heard that quitting smoking can lead to weight gain, but it sounds like you’re doing all you can to combat that. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to LOVE it, but I’m really learning to appreciate the feeling I get from doing it. It’s like that quote: “I don’t enjoy writing. I enjoy having written.” I enjoy feeling stronger, more flexible, more energetic. Thanks so much for the encouragement!!

  4. I have days like this too when everything just keeps piling up and it’s easy to lose focus. I find making lists help, just writing down the essential things that need to be done vs things that can wait. And as you say, excercise is good for focus too, I’m like you in that I really don’t enjoy excercise but always feel so much better afterwards, it’s just the thought of it…I hope you got your mothers day wish 😉 x

    • OMG yes! I only survive by making lists! I’ve already got this week’s list started. The best feeling is a list with everything crossed off! 😀

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