Once again, I debated whether to post this. But like I do most of the time, I decided, why not? I’ve always been honest in this blog. Maybe too honest, I don’t know. But I know there are others of you who have felt this way. I know there are probably some who are currently feeling like this. So here goes. You know how when you start a new job, or maybe a new school, you kind of hold back a little? Maybe you don’t reveal all the crazy until you think it’s safe? I’ve been in the new job for almost three months, and I’m finally starting to feel safe. It helps that one of my bosses is a little wacky, so once I saw that, I knew she and I would get along great. I mean, she brought in a blow-up Ninja punching bag for my birthday! Perfect, right? The others aren’t wacky in the same way, but they seem to enjoy our wacky. I have to tease and joke and laugh at work; it’s nonnegotiable.
But the lab wasn’t all. I’ve mentioned before that there’s a knitting group there, and I’ve been going to the twice-weekly meetings pretty faithfully. It was nice to be around other knitters, even if most of them aren’t *quite* as
crazy obsessed about knitting as I am. They’re fun ladies, and we chatted and laughed a lot. Slowly, I’ve been figuring out which of them are kindred spirits, and there are some I feel a stronger connection with than others. And then I found another knitter who IS crazy about knitting the same way I am, and we had a delightful lunch, and I hope for more. Then the other day, the knitting group had a gathering that was more…raucous than usual, more bawdy, more earthy. We laughed and laughed, and it was wonderful. And that meeting really helped me feel more at home here, made me see that there are people here who like similar things, who have a similar sense of humor, who have similar political leanings (that’s more inferred–I try to avoid talking about religion and politics with…almost everyone, really). I think I’ve found people who will accept and appreciate me the way I am, and I needed that. As much as I like my coworkers, sometimes I can’t help but feel separate from them at times–my knowledge base, skill sets, experiences, vocabulary are all so different from theirs. I’ve had to remind myself that just because I don’t always understand their language, it doesn’t mean I’m not equally smart in my own right. I mean, YEAH, of course I KNOW that, but it’s hard to remember when I’m in an environment that uses and values a different kind of intelligence. I’ve felt really dumb many times over the last couple of months. I’ve felt dumb and incompetent and like I’m failing everyone who’s counting on me.
BUT. I had my people. I had my knitting friends. I had the book group, which has been amazing too. I haven’t been in one before, so I haven’t sat and talked about a book for an hour since college, and that was many moons ago. And most of the knitting group is in the book group too (because knitters and readers are AWESOME) so I’ve seen them quite a bit. And I always left my time with them feeling energized and relieved; they’ve provided some of the happiest times there. They’ve cheered me on when I let myself vent a bit; they’ve helped me with no sign of irritation or annoyance. They’re just mostly NICE people. They’re GOOD people.
So those good times have pulled me through the bad ones, and now I’m finally starting to feel a tiny bit more comfortable in my role. There’s still a lot I don’t know, but I’m picking things up, and I’m getting to use my “real” skills of proofreading/editing more often. That’s the best part of the job.
This has been a hard transition for me, going from doing what I truly love every day (knitting, writing, blogging, editing) to an office job. And I don’t mean that to disparage the job at all. The company is amazing, the job is good, and it’s getting better. But it’s different. It’s a different life than I was leading, and I’ve had to readjust. There are things I miss about staying home. But there are things I like about working. So, it’s a tradeoff. I’m finding ways to balance work and home, home and knitting, all that stuff. Sigh. Life. It’s just hard sometimes, you know?
Thanks for listening, if you’ve made it this far. As a reward, here’s my latest FO, completed last night after the kids performed in the band at the Friday night football game.
It’s called Kilter and it was so easy and fun to knit. I used Berroco Vintage in Envy.
Until next time, happy knitting or working or whatever it is you do every day!