Life Tastes Good…and so does Cardboard

May22

Today has been a quiet day. I’ve been knitting all morning, starting a new teddy bear. Max has been sleepy, as he usually is after his 3-4 hours of morning craziness. I’ve had a friendly, mellow buddy next to me.

Then lunchtime came along. Max joined me in the kitchen, waiting for me to drop something. I thought he’d be disappointed when all I did was set aside the empty soda box, waiting to go out to the recycling. Nope. I should have known he’d think I put it there just for him. He retrieved it and carried it over to his towel.

It was an interesting shape. It had some give when he bit it. I’m sure it smelled like his second favorite food (paper).

I’m sure he was thinking, “Mom? Are you sure this is really okay?”

“You’re safe, Mom. Nothing in there.” He snuffed and nibbled, chewed and tugged. This went on for quite a while. Then he started rolling around, tossing the box from side to side.

I let him go on until he got a big chunk off and started eating it, then I had to take it away. Poor guy. At least he got a few minutes of fun.

Finding Time

May22

This is the busiest time of year if you have kids, which is why I haven’t had time to post anything in ages. The girl had music concerts and recitals and contests and auditions and award ceremonies. The boy had school parties and fifth grade graduation. Add that to the weekly lessons and time spent training the dog, and it means my knitting has fallen too low on my list of priorities lately. I have been finding time to play with my yarn here and there, just not nearly as often as I would like. But now that school is almost over I am eager to ramp it up, and it’ll get easier thanks to my fabulous Mother’s Day present! I told Alex I didn’t want him to spend money on me; I wanted the gift of time and energy. And boy, did it pay off. See, look:

That, my friends, is my new swift. I saw it on Pinterest and have been bugging the hubby for one ever since, and finally he made one! I love it. It works wonderfully, and it can fold up for storage or moving. That’s not all though: he’s been experimenting with turning wood, and I received a beautiful set of maple knitting needles. They’re 14″, US size 17. A bit heavier than the bamboo I’ve worked with before, but that wasn’t a problem once I got used to it.

I couldn’t wait to use them, of course. I wound 5 or 6 balls of yarn first, just to play with my swift, then I poked through Ravelry for a cowl pattern using that size needle. And heck, who could resist something called the World’s Fastest Cowl? I’d been waiting for the right pattern to go with two balls of this super bulky Trendsetter Genie that I’d picked up at an estate sale. I do love my bulky multi-color yarns, you know.

My other Mother’s Day present was knitting time, and the cowl lived up to its name. By the end of the day, I had a fabulous new cowl…that I won’t be able to wear for a few months.

I’ve got a couple other completed projects to share, but I can’t just yet (spoilers!). I also have four WIPs (that’s a lot for me) and plans to start another today. It’s the last full quiet day before school lets out, so I’m going to sit back and enjoy my solitude by casting on something just for me: a teddy bear with this Berroco Ultra Alpaca.

A Teddy Bear

May4

I decided to try to knit my own joyful little bear. I used the Ruby Bear pattern from Ravelry.

I cast on with some camel Bernat satin, since I had plenty in my stash and it’s soft and washable. The pattern calls for knitting each piece flat but I hate seaming so I decided to knit it all in the round, except the ears. I knit the body first and couldn’t believe how fast it grew. I also couldn’t help but giggle at his little bum.

I didn’t have much knitting time but I got all the pieces knitted in a few days. Today I sat down with my polyfill and got busy stuffing and assembling. I left the ends of the arms and legs open until they were stuffed, then cinched them closed.

The next step was the hardest part for me. I’m not the best at sewing pieces together but if you don’t look closely at the seams, I think he looks okay. The embroidered face was a new skill for me too.

I found a little red ribbon that looks perfect tied in a bow around his neck. I really enjoyed making him, more than I thought I would. He’s sitting next to my computer now, and he makes me smile.

The Great Spring Shedding Event

May4

I am not a new dog owner. I grew up with dogs, and I’ve had two dogs in my adult life. But now I have Max and he is unlike any of those dogs in so many ways. I knew dogs shed, some more than others. I know that huskies blow their coats twice a year, resulting in lots of big fur balls everywhere. But nothing prepared me for Max’s spring shed. About a week ago he started sprouting white tufts all over his body, then a day or so later they started falling. Or we’d pet him and be covered in fur. I did brush him, but given that A, he’s a puppy and B, everything is food to him, he kept trying to play and bite the brush. So I’d get a few minutes in each time, and it just didn’t really even make a dent. It kept escalating, and I started sweeping every other day to try to keep up. Still, there was fur all over my floors. Fur all over my clothes. Fur in my cereal and fur in my peanut butter jar. Seriously. Fur everywhere. And Max looked terrible because his coat was so uneven.

It got overwhelming on Friday. I was just so tired of feeling fur in my mouth and being covered in fur by 9 a.m. I was afraid it would take forever for him to blow his coat and I would never be able to brush him enough to make it help. But a good night’s sleep helped and I decided Saturday was the day. With some help from the hubby and some treats, I brushed and brushed Max. Then I brushed him some more. I fought with him over the dog fur because of course my weirdo dog likes to eat his own hair and I think maybe he shouldn’t do that. I had lunch and then I brushed some more, and he was looking really good. I could see a huge difference. I waited until he was worn out and sprawled out, resting, and I pulled out the handy little Furminator and brushed again. And now he looks so very handsome. He looks like he’s lost five pounds, his fur is sleek and silky, and I don’t have any more huge fur bunnies bounding around my floors. I was so happy with him that we went outside for a little photo shoot!

Oy, what a day I had!

Apr29

We had a BIG day on Saturday, and I’m just now recovered enough to write about it. I’m lucky enough to have a daughter in IMPACT, the gifted program here in Missouri. In middle school, the IMPACT classes participate in National History Day, a fantastic program that teaches kids how to create in-depth research projects and relate them to that year’s theme. They spend months working on them in class, then they go to a regional competition. The top three at regionals move on to the state competition, and the top two from state get to travel to DC for the national competition.

My daughter is in eighth grade, so this is her second year competing. Last year, she and a friend created a website and made it as far as the state round. This year she worked alone, building a website about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire to go with the theme of Rights and Responsibilities. She’d forgotten how much work it took, and complained just a bit (i.e. a lot). By the time regionals came around, she said she hoped she didn’t move on, she didn’t want to have to work anymore on it. Regionals were held at the Truman Library, and she dressed up, did her interview and came home. She didn’t even want to go to the award ceremony that afternoon because she was so convinced that she wouldn’t/didn’t want to be selected for state.

We got a call from her teacher that evening: She had come in first in her category. Not surprisingly, she was delighted, and that recognition sparked a desire to work harder. She spent several days after school improving her website and when it came time for state, there was no mistaking: she wanted to win. She wanted to get to nationals.

The state round was held on the campus of the University of Missouri-Columbia. It’s a big campus with lots of history and lovely architecture, and even though we’d been there last year, we knew to get there early to allow for some getting-lost time. Her interview time was 9 a.m., the first of the day, so we were up and on the road by 6:30. We found our way around without too much trouble, and I saw these awesome signs in the Student Unions Center. They made me want to go to college again. I’d have fun at MU!

We got her registered and had plenty of time to get to her interview.

While we waited, she got out the iPad and made sure her website was pulled up and ready to go. I was amazed that she showed no indication of nerves. I would have been a wreck, but she’s got composure and confidence to spare.

She was done by 9:15 but we had to wait three hours until they posted the top six in each category. The judges would review those six and from them, pick the two to go to nationals. We had a lot of time to kill. Our first order of business was to go to the MU store to get her some flip-flops. Silly girl had forgotten to bring comfy clothes and shoes to change into, and her 4-inch heels were killing her feet. $17 later, her feet felt good. A trip to the nearby Old Navy netted her some sweat pants, and she looked like the perfect college student. By then, we had about 30 minutes’ knitting time (I worked on my shawl, she worked on a hat, the hubby napped) and then it was time to check the list.

This year it was good news: she’d made it to the next round. Whew! After the cheering and hugs were done, we realized that meant we had another three hours to kill. Well, that was easy: lunchtime in Columbia means Shakespeare’s Pizza. The pizza is spicy and delicious and worth every minute of the long wait. It’s a favorite for most of the college students, and the souvenir cups show up at a lot of different campuses.

I managed to sneak in another short bout of knitting but before I knew it we were in Jesse Hall waiting for the announcement. Of course, the individual website category was next to last so we had to wait…and wait…but at last they got to it. Third place, the alternate to DC if a winner couldn’t go, was announced; it wasn’t her. Second place…she won! As much as we were all hoping, none of us really expected it to happen. Of course she was over the moon; the only downside was that her best friend had competed in the same category and didn’t make it to Nationals. But even that couldn’t quash the glee.

So now comes the rush to figure out who’s going with her, make travel arrangements, revise the website even more. I’m pretty sure she feels it was worth all the work. It was a fantastic day, even if we were all exhausted. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was a lot of walking, a lot of people and crowds and talking and noise, and more walking. My feet were sore, my legs were tired–and still complaining the next day. I know the DC experience will be even more of all of that…and I can’t wait!

Taking Chances

Apr23

Somebody told me that today is National Take a Chance day. It’s appropriate timing, because tonight I’m taking a chance on a person. I’m having drinks with someone I haven’t seen in over six months. Someone who used to mean the world to me. Someone who has hurt me, both through actions and inaction. I’m taking a chance on letting her back into my life, into my heart, because she’s already broken it a couple of times.

The first time, I kept it to myself and absorbed the hurt. It took a while to do that, and it never went away completely. And it changed the way I looked at her, the way I viewed our friendship. But I still loved her, I still had fun with her, I accepted her for her flaws as I hope people do for me. But it kept happening, little things that poked at me, making me wonder if I meant as much to her as she did to me.

Then I fell, big-time, and she didn’t catch me. My life turned upside down and I needed help. I resisted it from so many others but asked for it from her, and it didn’t come. It never came and eventually, I found my way to a brighter side of life without her. I didn’t dismiss all the reasons I loved her, but I also couldn’t dismiss the reasons I was hurt and angry. And I moved on. My life is full and happy. I have so many people I am grateful for, so many people who did offer help over and over. People who have been there for me whenever I needed or wanted them. People who act out of kindness and empathy and genuine love.

I got a text from her several days ago. She had a special text-tone that I’d forgotten to change, and just hearing it triggered something in me. It brought me right back to all those years when we were inseparable, when she was one of my favorite people and I (thought I) was one of hers. And to be fair, I think I was. Anyway, hearing that tone made me cry. Seeing her text made me cry. Reading that she missed me, that she was sorry, that she wanted to see me, it all made me cry. Because it made me realize how much I’d missed her company, that as much as I thought I was beyond it, I really wasn’t.

I did tell her that she’d hurt me, that I was afraid to try to be friends again. And she was willing to accept that. But my immediate reaction to her texts made me think that maybe I’d rather have her in my life than not. So I’m meeting her tonight for drinks. I’m giving her a second chance. Again. I have no idea what to expect. I’m kind of looking forward to it and kind of reserving judgment. I’m wary and more cynical now. I’m also stronger now. I’m willing and able to stand up for myself. I speak my mind more than I did a few years ago. But obviously I’m also loyal, maybe to a fault. Maybe I overlook and accept things I shouldn’t.

Are there things that are unforgivable? Is there a limit to the number of times you can forgive one person? I don’t think anyone can truly forgive and forget. The forgive part, yes, but not forget. At least I can’t. I think I know what forgiveness feels like; I’ve forgiven some things completely. But I haven’t forgotten them and don’t think I will. There are also things that I haven’t forgiven. The way I tell the difference is that remembering one doesn’t cause pain, and the other still does.

I don’t know which way it will end up this time. It probably partly depends on what happens tonight. Clearly I haven’t forgiven the way our friendship ended, but the fact that I’m willing to go means I want to try, right? Am I crazy to try?

My puppy training is progressing

Apr22

This was supposed to be a yarn blog where I talk about my adventures with knitting and crochet, but somehow I’ve gotten off that track. Now it seems to be a life blog, and maybe that’s okay too. In any case, I thought I’d share an update on my crazy dog, Max, since I’ve shared so many of his misadventures.

It’s good news today: Max is doing really well. Or maybe we’re doing really well in learning from him what he needs/wants/likes/eats. After the book-eating fiasco, he gets shut in the kitchen while we’re gone. He has plenty of toys and usually a peanut butter-stuffed ball. He has not scratched or chewed at doors or chairs at all, so thank goodness for that. It’s not perfect; we know that if we’re gone too long, we’ll come home to a smelly puppy present. But that’s not his fault, and he’s getting so much better at going outside when he has the opportunity.

We know that if we leave the bathroom door open, he’ll play with (AKA eat most of) the roll of toilet paper. I’m shopping for a baby gate today. He still destroys toys more quickly than I’d like (watch for my Kickstarter campaign to fund his toy habit, haha) but that’s what they’re for. If he’s chewing those, he’s not chewing bad things.

And he’s so smart: he’s very consistent with the Sit command, and stays so nicely when we’re putting on his harness and leash. He’s at maybe 75% with the Leave It command; it really depends on what he’s found. Some things are more tempting than a treat. We’ve taught him to Shake since we brought him home. Now we have to focus on Come, since that’s the most frustrating thing we’re dealing with. He loves to be outside at night, which I found surprising given his limited vision. But when we let him out before bed, he doesn’t want to come in, and it turns into a battle of wills. I always win, of course, but I want to make it a shorter battle. I’m more optimistic now than I was a few days ago. Puppies sure make life interesting!

It’s been two long years

Apr21

Two years ago today, I lost my father. He’d been fighting lung cancer for a year and though he fought hard, the cancer won, as it does too many times. He lived several states away, so I wasn’t there when he died. My last visit had been a couple of weeks prior, and I was making plans to go back for a longer visit. I wanted to be there for him, and my mother. She said he wouldn’t have wanted me to see him that way but I wish I could have. As hard as it is, there’s a small perfect beauty in that journey, in being a part of that moment.

I guess everyone wants as much time as possible, and I’m no different. I wanted to hug him again, hold his hand again like I hadn’t since I was a child, tell him again and again that I love him. I didn’t care that he was thin, that he was struggling to walk and breathe, that he’d lost most of his hair. I know he cared; he wanted me to remember him the way he was. And I do. But I remember him sick too, because it was such a full time. He and I spoke more candidly and honestly during those months than we ever had. I felt free to hold his hand like I never did, because we both wanted that connection.

So yes, I remember him sick and well. I remember him every way. I remember him every day. I miss him every day. It’s been a hard two years in many ways. It breaks my heart that there are so many things he doesn’t know, that he’ll never see. He would be happy that I quit my job to stay home with the kids, if for no other reason than because I’m happier. He would love that I sold my boring hybrid to buy a faster muscle car, and he’d want to drive it. He wouldn’t like the purple hair, but he’d grin and shrug and say, “If you like it, it’s okay with me.” He would love my new dog, and have so much fun playing with him. He would love to see how kind and thoughtful my teenage daughter is growing up. He would love to see my son, his namesake, wear his ties with pride.

But I have to find other small comforts. I love to imagine his dog, who died a few months ago, running up to him in the great sunny dog park in the sky. I cherish the dreams he appears in, remembering the almost tangible hugs I’ve gotten in them. I am so grateful that his illness brought our family close again, literally and figuratively, and I try to do for them what I think he would want to do himself if he could. I’m trying to live in a way that would make him proud. Thanks for showing me the way, Daddy.

Treasures from the bookstore on Easter

Apr20

I have very fond memories of Easters growing up. Of course we started with baskets, then we’d hunt for jelly beans hidden around the house. After we’d eaten our fill of candy, we’d go out to lunch (Annie’s Santa Fe was a popular choice) and visit a bookstore. For many years, we went to Borders in Overland Park. It was a half-hour drive but that was before we had a stand-alone bookstore any closer, so it was a real treat. It was marvelous to spend the afternoon wandering among the aisles, and I always found way more books than I was allowed to buy.

This year, we resurrected the tradition, albeit with a few changes. My kids are 14 and 10, and the 14yo can’t have jelly beans because of her braces, so we couldn’t do the jelly bean hunt. We also have a new dog who eats a lot of…everything, so I didn’t want to hide anything chocolate and risk it getting eaten by the dog. So in lieu of a candy hunt, we went to visit books. Obviously Borders is gone now (sad panda) so our new favorite is Half Price Books. We just got one in our city recently and we’re loving it! We packed up a small basket with books to sell and set off.

And I’m so glad we did because I scored big time! I found these in the clearance DVD section for $2 each:

That was just the beginning. As I browsed the fiction section, this was the first book to catch my eye, and yes, it’s a first edition with dust jacket:

You may remember the title: it’s the book that my dog Max ate a few days ago. I’m so happy I found a replacement. I guess I have to forgive Max now.

But my favorite find of the day was from the clearance fiction section. Jodi Picoult is another of my favorites, and I found a first edition with jacket of Mercy. It’s her fourth book, before she became quite the superstar she is now, so it’s harder to find. It’s a really nice copy, too. And it was only TWO DOLLARS! I love finding treasures like that. It’s one of three I didn’t have, and though it’s not my favorite of hers, I’m a completist. I want to have the full set.

I wasn’t the only who scored. The girl found three books, the boy found a Big Nate book, and the hubby found a couple of jazz CDs. Good haul all around. And all that shopping made us hungry, so we completed the tradition with lunch out. It was a fun day. I think we may have to do it again next year.

This cut is the deepest

Apr18

When Max unrolled and ate the toilet paper, I laughed. When he destroyed toy after toy after toy, I smiled, cleaned up the mess and bought new toys. When he chewed up two of my Twilight figurines, I sighed and but again laughed at the sight of headless Bella. When he chewed into my yarn bag and ate part of my shawl, I kept my calm, swept up the mess and moved all knitting and crochet stuff out of his reach. But what we came home to tonight was the worst.

It looked like a battlefield coming in the door. He’d found a bag of dried apricots (kept at the back of the counter); all that was left was bits of the bag. He’d gotten into my daughter’s school bag and tossed her shirt across the room, chewed up part of her gym shorts, and eaten her Pop-tarts. That wasn’t the worst. No, the worst was the … I don’t even want to say it … the books.

I’m a book collector. My mom owned a used-book store when I was growing up and I worked with her for ten years, learning everything about collectible books. I’m also a reader, a fast and voracious reader. Those make for a substantial and really cool book collection. We have four 6′ tall bookcases in our dining room. They’re all hardbacks, and most are first editions with dust jackets. Some are valuable only to me, but many have monetary value too.

Now some of you might be hyperventilating right now (as I was as I came home) but rest assured, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. He only managed to pull out two books, and one is still salvageable.

See those scratches across the front? Yeah, those weren’t there before. Now granted, this is not my favorite Dean Koontz book. I am a huge fan of Koontz, especially his early books, and I have a pretty thorough collection. The fact that he chose this one and not the signed first of Whispers or Strangers…well, that’s something to be grateful for. I guess. Whatever. But still. This is a pretty unusual title and a first edition. Not cool, Max.

So what was the other one? I couldn’t tell at first: the dust jacket had been torn from its protective plastic cover and both were in shreds. As I got closer, I saw the initials L E on the front of the book. I also love Louise Erdrich. I first read her in college and was obsessed with her books for a long time. One of my most treasured books is a near fine first edition of Love Medicine, her most famous book, and I was sure that was what Max had chewed up.

Thank goodness, it wasn’t. It was The Blue Jay’s Dance, her memoir of early motherhood. Again, not my favorite of hers, but still, I really enjoyed this book. Not anymore.

But it wasn’t really even which books got damaged that affected me. It was that they were Books. Books are part of me. They’ve always been a huge part of my life. I treat them with respect and reverence and love. They are vessels of joy and heartache and wonder and imagination. To see one destroyed like this…it hurts more than it should.

So I’m frustrated now. We were gone maybe an hour, and he had a number of toys to entertain him. He’d been fed. He’d already gotten two walks and two playtimes in the backyard. I don’t know what else to do with this dog except to shut him up in the kitchen or crate him when we’re gone. I didn’t want to have to resort to that but I don’t know what else to do. I love him, but I also love my belongings. I want us to be able to coexist peacefully. So how do I make that happen?