Not so long ago, on most “normal” days, all I wanted to do was hang out at home. If I could rest on the couch, watch TV, and play with yarn, it was a really good day. I loved the solitude, the silence. But now, I have all those things each and every day. I’ve had lots of solitude, lots of couch/TV/yarn time, and to be honest, I’m sick of it. I want to go to a yarn store, a bead store, Target, even the grocery store! It’s only been nine days since I broke my foot, and the orthopedist wants me in the boot and non-weight-bearing for at least another four weeks. What the heck am I going to do with myself?
I know: I have people who would come visit, who would run errands for/with me if I needed. Many people have told me, “Just let me know if you need anything!” And I’m extremely grateful for them. But it’s not the same. They can’t help me with what’s really bothering me: the 15 stairs I have to hop up and down, trying to shower while standing on one leg, dealing with the lip on the floor going into the kitchen that forces me to stand up, drag my chair over, and then sit back down EVERY SINGLE TIME I go into the kitchen. To go anywhere means hopping down the eight or nine stairs outside, and then hopping back up when I come home. What I want, what I need, is to be self-sufficient, independent. I’m frustrated, missing the ability to just get up and walk/drive wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go.
And I know, I’m extremely lucky. It could be worse. I could be without that foot permanently. I could be facing surgery, a longer healing time, permanent walking aides. In the grand scheme of things, five weeks of downtime for a broken bone is nothing. I keep telling myself that, and sometimes it works. It helps that I’m feeling a little better. The foot doesn’t hurt too much most of the time, and when it does I have meds that help a little. When I’m sitting in a normal chair or walking for too long, it swells up, but I can elevate it and ice it, and that helps. Using the crutches aggravated the tendonitis in my elbow, but I have a knee scooter now, so hopefully that will ease up soon.
It sounds so great, doesn’t it? A good excuse to sit around, be lazy and watch TV. But in reality, it sucks most of the time. I feel guilty that my husband has to work full-time and then come home to drive kids around, run errands, wash the dinner dishes. I feel useless right now. I’m not able to do anything for the family that I was doing before. I’m just dead weight. I dread getting up every morning, dread the struggle of getting around with the heavy boot. In bed, nothing hurts. I can pretend that everything is still okay.
Wow. I didn’t realize it was so dark in my head today. Sorry about that. I think I’m going to take my tea and my crafty stuff and go sit in the dining room for a while, at a table, on a chair that’s not a couch. I’m going to enjoy the sunshine coming in the bay windows and listen to music, leave the TV off for a while. I’m going to try to hop up to the craft room and prep for the craft show I’m doing next week. (Thank goodness for my Knitting SIL, who will be my arms and legs that day!!) I’m going to try to rein in this feeling-sorry-for-myself thing I’ve got going, focus on what I can still do and accept help for the things I can’t.
I almost don’t want to hit publish on this post. Maybe it’s too self-indulgent. I’m really not looking for people to fawn over me and say, “Oh, poor you!” But it feels good to be honest here. And I think my feelings aren’t that uncommon: people do get hurt and people do get frustrated and people do feel sorry for themselves. And then they take a deep breath and move forward. So that’s what I’m going to try to do today. I will appreciate the beautiful sunny day, even if I have to do it from inside.