Grief Redux

Grief is a tricky thing, isn’t it? You think you’re making progress, and really, you probably are, and then something comes along and takes you by surprise and kicks you in the gut. And when that happens, it can feel as hard and as fresh as when the grief was new.

I lost my dad a little over five years ago. No. No more euphemisms. I didn’t lose him. My dad died in April of 2012. I’ve been able to say that, in my head and out loud, for quite a while now, without needing to cry or feeling the sharp twinge in my heart. I felt like that was progress. Still do, actually. It took a long time to move past the vague euphemisms, and when I did, it often made me tear up just to say it.

So, yeah. I’ve been making progress, doing well. I’m happy. My life is full and rich, with as many up as downs. I still think of my dad every day but not with the sharp pain, more like a faint ache that I know will always be there. Some days it’s stronger than others, but it’s not crippling. It’s just…a brief sadness.

I’ve recently gotten back to my pen hobby. For years, I’ve collected pens. At first it was any fun pen, but it’s gotten more refined, and now I think it’s fair to say I’m a pen snob. I love beautiful, high-quality pens. I love gorgeous fountain pens. And when I was cleaning out my collection, culling some I no longer wanted, I started poking through all the pen boxes I’ve got, and I found the box for my MontBlanc. Inside, I found a letter from my dad, from when he gave me the pen for Christmas one year. It was a company gift and he’d used it for years, until passing it on to me.

That letter ripped off the scab a bit, and it hurts. I miss my dad. He was a wonderful man, a kind and gentle person who gave everything to make his family happy.  There’s so much I wish I could share with him now. And I can’t, and that sucks so much. I’d gotten to a point where I didn’t remember how much it sucked, and being reminded is…not fun.

But I’m grateful to have the letter, which I’ve tucked back inside the box to discover again in a few years. And until then, I’ll write with his pen and remind myself how lucky I was to have him as long as I did.

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7 thoughts on “Grief Redux

  1. I sometimes come across index cards with recipes on them that my mother hand wrote with little notes that she added in the margins. She died almost seven years ago and I think of her several times a day. (hugs) 🙂

  2. Sometimes Brother will do or say something that is so “Dad” that it gives me a lump in the throat. I’m so glad you have this.

  3. My brother was sat behind me at my sons wedding and we sang the first hymn. I could not believe it, he sounded just like Dad, he could have been there with us. I come across odd bits of paper with his writing, stuck in books/ boxes etc, but to me they are a comfort. Dad died just over three years and I still have a sense that he’s around . He has not gone, he’s on our favourite walks, in the restaurants we used to go too, and I find myself noticing things to tell him, he loved to know what was going on, who was say building an extention, and in my head I tell him these things. I am not sad because he is with me. take care, your Dad is with you still.

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